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Saw That Coming
Rolling Stone reported on July 2 that prolific baby daddy and host of “The Masked Singer” Nick Cannon has recently insured his “most valuable assets” for $10 million. “You hear about, like, all these different celebrities insuring their legs … so I was like, ‘Hey, well, I got to insure my most valuable body part,'” Cannon said. Even better, the “Ball-to-Ball” policy was taken out with Dr. Squatch, a men’s grooming company that invites users to find the “value of their balls.” The father of 12 (with five different mamas) said he’s “doubling down on … my future kids.”
Recent Alarming Headline
A sinkhole 100 feet wide and 100 feet deep opened up on June 26, smack-dab in the middle of a soccer complex in Alton, Illinois, The Telegraph reported. The fields are built over an operating limestone mine; the field collapsed above the ceiling of the mine, which is 40 to 50 feet thick. Alton Parks and Recreation Director Michael Haynes said the fields were empty and no one was injured in the collapse, including miners. Along with the artificial turf, the hole sucked up benches and a light pole on the field.
News That Sounds Like a Joke
— On June 24 in a federal by-election in Toronto, Canada, candidate Felix-Antoine Hamel, 45, made history: He received zero votes. The CBC reported that Hamel was approached by a friend to add his name to the ballot, one of the longest in Canadian history, as part of a protest against Canada’s electoral system. “Well, I am the true unity candidate,” Hamel said. “Everyone agrees not to vote for me.” Hamel couldn’t even vote for himself, as he is from Montreal, not Toronto. “I’m one of the last people that would be expected to make Canadian history in any way,” the musician said.
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— Jillian Uygun, 22, of Seminole, Florida, just wanted a cuddle from her boyfriend on June 29, The Smoking Gun reported. But when he refused her, they argued about the “victim’s disinterest,” police said. The next morning, Uygun repeatedly tried to snuggle with the boyfriend — then allegedly took it up a notch, grabbing his chest hair, scratching his face, biting him on the forehead and breaking his phone. She was arrested for domestic battery, and a judge ordered her to have no contact with her cuddle-resistant boyfriend.
Ewwwww!
Residents of Pomfret, Connecticut, ended their day on a crappy note on June 25, WVIT-TV reported. That evening, a manure truck rolled over in an intersection, hitting another car and spilling its stinky load. “It was literally a waterfall of brown,” said Ann Bedard, whose house lies at the intersection where the crash occurred. “It just flooded down our property.” Workers cleaned up the several inches of manure; the truck also spilled fuel and hydraulic fluid, but the fire department declared no immediate safety threat and said the water was safe to use.
New World Order
A two-person crew from DroneUp, a commercial drone services company that is partnering with Walmart in Florida, was demonstrating the delivery service on June 26 in The Overlook at Lake Louisa in Lake County, Florida, when they heard a loud pop, ClickOrlando reported. They believed what they heard was a gunshot, so the crew and the drone high-tailed it back to Walmart, where deputies met them. The drone had a bullet hole in its payload area; officers returned to the neighborhood, where they discovered 72-year-old Dennis Winn. Winn told them he had been working on his swimming pool pump when the drone flew over; he shot it with a 9mm handgun because he suspected drones had been surveilling him in the past. As he was arrested, he shouted to a neighbor that he was being taken into custody for shooting a drone. Winn faces multiple charges; the drone sustained about $2,500 in damage.
Crime Report
Outside the Holy Family Roman Catholic Church in Queens, New York, on June 30, surveillance video captured an SUV taxi driving up, parking and disgorging the driver around 5:30 a.m., the New York Post reported. The man was then seen removing a shoe and using it to batter statues of Mary and Joseph, which were unharmed, before turning his footwear on a child Jesus statue and decapitating it. The vandal returned to his car, shoe in hand, and drove away. Father Sean Suckiel said the statue, which “holds special meaning to many in our parish,” had stood at the church for 42 years, and repairing it will cost $20,000.
Democracy in Action
The 8th House District in Eugene, Oregon, held a primary election in late June, with two contenders, Lisa Fragala and Doyle Canning, receiving the same number of votes (seven), the Oregon Capital Chronicle reported. Both are Democrats, but since there was no Republican candidate in the race, one of them could have claimed the Republican nomination — theoretically. State law requires that a tie be broken by a roll of the dice or a coin toss, so the deputy election director, Luke Belant, prepared to flip the coin. Canning won the toss, but strangely, she is ineligible under the state’s “sore-loser law”; because she lost the Democratic primary, she was unable to accept the nomination of any other party. Therefore, Fragala will be the only person on the ballot in November unless the Republican Party chooses a candidate. “The lesson here for any political party is to field a candidate,” Canning said.
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Compelling Explanation
Dontcha hate it when you throw your husband a party and he’s just not grateful enough? Kinda makes you want to poison him — or at least that’s how 47-year-old Michelle Peters of Lebanon, Missouri, reacted, according to The Kansas City Star. On June 24, Peters was held for questioning by the Laclede County Sheriff’s Office after her husband notified police that he became “afraid for his life” after noticing that the Mountain Dew in the garage fridge “tasted weird” and he started experiencing sore throat, vomiting and “coughing up brown/yellow thick mucus,” authorities said. He looked at video footage from his garage and saw his wife take the soda bottle and a Roundup bottle into the house. Peters initially told officers that she mixed the liquids “to use as a weed killer that she saw on Pinterest,” but eventually confessed, saying she “was mad … because she had thrown him a 50th birthday and he was not appreciative,” police said. She was charged with first-degree assault and armed criminal action.
But Was It Unhappy?
In the apparent first case of robotic suicide, an administrative officer robot at Gumi City Council in South Korea threw itself down a 6 1/2-foot-long flight of steps, France24 reported on June 26. Witnesses saw the robot, which could travel between floors on the elevator and had its own civil servant officer badge, “circling in one spot as if something was there” before the fall, but it wasn’t clear what caused the mishap. “It was … one of us,” an official said. “It worked diligently.”
Low Expectations
On July 29, Michael Patrick Fleming, 41, entered the Chase bank branch in Lady Lake, Florida, and handed the teller a withdrawal slip, The Smoking Gun reported. Fleming did not have an account at the bank and requested just 1 cent; he later told officers his plan was to get the penny, then “sit in the chair and wait for law enforcement.” His goal was to be arrested — and it worked. Fleming was charged with felony robbery and held on $5,000 bond.
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